Spinwork Blog

It’s about 10:30 in the morning and it feels like its about midnight. Chalk it up to my World Issues professor deciding it would be a good idea to watch Wall-E at 8:00 in the morning instead of a final. Not that I’m complaining–Wall-E’s one of my all-time favorite movies, but one I like to watch after a long Saturday, or when I want to wallow in the movie’s unique atmosphere, not just after waking up from an involuntary all-nighter. The upside is I’m currently blessed with that clarity that comes with 2AM writing sessions, where everything makes that sleepy kind of sense and you’re less inhibited to pursue your muse through the pearly avenues of her perpetual acid trip.

I finally finished Atlas Shrugged last night after a near three-month struggle. I say struggle because Atlas isn’t one of those books you read–it’s one you excavate with heavy explosives. Where the effort in reading it was is difficult to say. It’s a long sucker, to be certain (1168 pages), complete with everything I was taught not to do as a writer–from long, expository passages (60 pages, long) to dragging explanations of character’s morals, sexualities, and stoicism against emotional trauma. Still, when it pulled me in, it pulled me in good, and hundreds of pages would fly by in a blink. I wouldn’t quite say its a page-turner, because there are times I had to reread entire passages with a feeling of, “wait, what the fuck did he/she just say?” The reward of being able to fist-pump on my favorite characters in the end was amazing, though (DANNESKJOLD! REARDEN!).

The book is, without question, one of the most intense, overwrought, annoying, hair-tearing, scalp-shredding, bitter-laughter inducing, inspiring, life-changing books I’ve ever read. There’s something masochistic about reestablishing my reading habit with two, 200,000+ word books in quick succession–books that have earned me groans of “you’re reading Ayn Rand? But she’s so conservative/republican/economically fascist/idealist/reactionary, and her prose sucks.” I don’t read books for their agenda. Every writer has an agenda. I have an agenda. I don’t force it down peoples’ throats, and I don’t swallow when writers try to force theirs down mine.

Virtually every criticism I’ve heard about both Atlas and Fountainhead focused on Rand’s views, and I agree. Rand is an idealist, and her opinion is conservative past realism. Her prose is clunky–although, in her defense, English wasn’t her first language–and not something I’d recommend to someone looking to improve their writing. What hooked me was her focus on character and her portrayals of the ideal man (and woman, in the case of Dagny Taggart), which, although hyperbolic and utopian as the rest of Rand’s themes, had enough “real” for me to latch onto, and sufficient “unreal” for me to suspend my disbelief. In a way, I think it was that hyperbole that drew me in. You can learn a lot from exaggeration. After all, it’s more or less the core of comedy. Apparently it works well in fiction, too.

In the end, its difficult to put into words just what the effect was. There were a lot of parts in the book where I’d read a scene or speech and be like, “I FEEL LIKE THAT SOMETIMES,” or “DAMNIT, I’VE HAD PEOPLE PULL THAT ON ME,” or at times, be  awed that such a complex story could be held together with such ostensible simplicity. Maybe the message and the meaning is meant to be mine alone.

That said, I’m continuing my reading extravaganza. I don’t know what I’m going to read next, but I like blogging about it. It gives me something to talk about that isn’t creatively whorish and expository (a use for this blog!). On my list right now are Slaughterhouse-Five, Anna Karenina, Les Miserables, Scarlett Letter and Stranger in a Strange Land. I should also look into finishing Snow Crash, but I haven’t been in the mood for sci-fi lately.

My semester’s over as of yesterday, closed with a read-and-edit of my friend Will’s book, Imperium, which he’s been working on about as long as I’ve been working on Hellion. It’s been really interesting seeing where he’s come from and gone with his stuff, and I’m really starting to see his story and concepts coming together, which is exciting. I’m just hoping he sticks to it. *stern look*

With the semester closed, the time’s come to do more work on Cloudnigh, which continues to stumble and swell in the relative semblance of growth. I haven’t done any actual writing on it in a few days, as the story seems to be demanding some background notes. Its sort of nice that I can finally identify the feeling of “what the fuck am I doing?” as a reminder to check my notes and see what I’m actually trying to say. When I look at the inspiration of my process, its sort of weird to see where I’ve drawn it from: Ayn Rand, Jonathon Stroud, Phillip Pullman, J.K. Rowling, Herman Melville, Fred Gallagher, my dad. I guess I make it work in my own way. Only now am I starting to realize how adaptable you have to be to plan a project. I’ve approached Cloudnigh in such a different way than I approached Lanternfly.

In that vein, I’m still working on Lanternfly–not as actively as I used to, but still. I’ve got a long term plan for that, and for Shadower. The gig right now is trying to execute Cloudnigh as best I can and see what comes of it as an online project. I’m finally at this place of relative confidence (90% acceptance of failure, 5% raw excitement, 5% stubbornness) where I can start to realistically plot out my course for the next year. With luck, that course will be Cloudnigh.

We shall see.

Thanks for reading!

Spinner Books & Reading, Cloudnigh, Daily Blogging, Hellion, Shadower 2009, Atlas Shrugged, ayn rand, Cloudnigh, fountainhead, Hellion, inspirating, Lanternfly, Rants, reading, reading list, Shadower

Finals’ time is here again, meaning fire season and impending doom. Things are actually looking pretty light this year, even though this semester holds the record as my worst academic performance pretty much ever. Senioritus is a flaming bitch. I’m actually convinced it hasn’t left me since high school, since most of college as-is has been like, “wait, I have to do work?”

That said–things are continuing to progress with Cloudnigh. Its been so long since I’ve been 100% dedicated to a fresh project like this that I’ve almost forgotten how exciting it is. Better still, is the feeling of streamlining and improvement of process that I’ve gained since the last time I undertook something like this. What’s weird is I’m actually taking to outlining this time. Nothing too restrictive–but something to go off of as I push forward. I’m recognizing that I really can’t just wing it like I’ve done in the past, since I’m actually (hopefully) going to have readers this time and I want to tell a solid story. The outline was actually finished last Sunday night (or early Monday morning, however you want to look at it), leading to a very interesting and demented flight back to Burlington (due to the sleep, of which I only got an hour, not the outline).

What was refreshing was realizing I had a pretty solid idea of the story already, after working on it throughout the summer of 2008, and the little bits I did even further back. Now that I’ve got a shell, my structure, character and continuity problems are a lot clearer, meaning I can now focus on where the story *will go* rather than where it *might* go.

In other news, I finished Vonnegut’s Breakfast of Champions last night. Without a doubt one of the funniest books I’ve ever read. There’s just something about his depravity that I can identify with–even initially I had no idea if he was just being flippant with his self-insertions, literary crutches, and commentary on the holes in the plot, or brilliant. That, and there were innumerable penis jokes, which everyone knows I’m far too mature to partake in pretty much made the book. I’m going to head back to reading Atlas Shrugged and its numerous philosophical posings and self-absorbed, romantically-materialistic, individual-exalting sex scenes.

Thanks for reading!

Spinner Uncategorized 2008, 2009, Atlas Shrugged, Breakfast of Champions, Cloudnigh, Outlines, Vonnegut

The other day, I had an in-between day, a rarity when I’m up at college. In order not to be bored out of my skull, I did something I haven’t done in a while: I curled up and read.

Reading regularly is one of the things I lost in high school. Something about reading 50-odd pages of this or that classic a night, followed by 45 minutes crammed with tearing it apart didn’t sit well with me, so I just stopped. Between then and now, I’ve only read a few books, which were usually stuff my dad would give me, or that my friend Marina would recommend. After a while, I began to feel like my writing was starting to suffer, so I knuckled down and began picking things up here and there–first, Cat’s Cradle by Vonnegut, which was fucking hilarious, and then Brave New World by Huxley, which completely changed my perspective on science fiction. Finally, I finally picked up The Fountainhead, which coincidentally, Marina gave me as a birthday present way back in 2007–and read it in about three weeks.

I’m not sure what it was about that book, but it’s since turned me into a voracious reader. At the moment, I’m trying to resist the urge to pick up more than one at a time–which I’ve already failed at by reading Atlas Shrugged and Breakfast of Champions simultaneously. In my defense, Atlas Shrugged is dense and long-winded as fuck, and the sex scenes–of which there have been several–remind me of British tea ceremonies interrupted by violent, individual-crushing, possessive ravaging. From the ceiling in the form of Batman. I’m taking it slowly, in doses, breaking to laughing my ass off at Vonnegut’s drawing of *ahem* beavers in Champions whenever Rand decides to spend 30 pages to detail Dagny Taggart’s quest to find the creator of some random static-powered atmospheric motor.

What? Yeah… pacing fail.

Nonetheless, breaking my reading phobia came at just the right time. This past summer was an absolute slog for writing. It was one of those times where I knew I had to make my process more adaptable, and was fighting tooth and nail to get writing in between that and my job. I think in all my sessions of muse-abuse, I’d completely forgotten the distance you sometimes need to put between yourself and your work, and that time can be just as constructive as the process of creating. That’s what’s always been detrimental to my working–I’m sometimes so fucking desperate to get something down that I’ll go into full tunnel vision and burn myself a new one. Hopefully reading will mean I won’t be so hard on myself, and that I’ll allow myself to do that rather than obliterating my sanity.

Or hang out with friends. I’d forgotten about that.

Thanks for reading!

Spinner Daily Blogging 2009, Atlas Shrugged, Brave New World, Breakfast of Champions, Cat's Cradle, reading, The Fountainhead

I tend to learn something new about my process every day, even when I don’t write. Weirdly enough, I’m starting to think the times I’m writing and the times I’m not are equally important. At the moment, I’ve been wrestling with that feeling of utter stupidity I have from looking at the first draft of Lanternfly and going, “what next?”

Truth be told, I have a crystal-clear image of what I need to do, how I want to go about doing it–but I can’t. I don’t know if its that I took so much out of myself just getting the manuscript done, or that I’ll dig in and discover I actually hate what I’ve been working on for what’s going on (technically) five years. Whatever it is, I’m in this limbo of, “oh, come the fuck on, Ben,” and “eh… it’ll pass.” Maybe this whole process is like a diet, where you’ll always start it “tomorrow.”

Well, I’m technically on a diet right now, and that’s going terribly (in fact, the only thing I’ve managed to hold together is biking to and from work every day). I’m also stuck working full time at work this week, which also marks my one year anniversary at this job. All my shifts are closes, which means I literally have no time to anything other than wake up, go to work, make however-many hundreds of lattes, go home, and dick around until I have to do it all over again.

Of course, I COULD not dick off and actually plug in my flash drive and open up the manuscript, or at least crack my journal and get some concepts done. I COULD write down those ideas I’ve been batting around in my head for the last three days about book two and where that might be going. Or I could continue to sit here and get down on myself about *FINALLY* finishing a book after two years of being a recluse until I could actually get a workable idea rolling.

What I think I’m learning is that this part–just like starting the actual book, is probably a lot harder than it is. I’m gonna hem, I’m gonna haw, but at some point I’m just gonna quit my whining, knuckle down and do it. It’s not like I’m completely void of time. Seriously, I could have turned out some serious material in the time I just wasted on LOST (even though the words “wasted” and “LOST” can’t be used in the same sentence).

So, that said, sleep, and tomorrow–writing. If not, I give my ghost-readers every license to kill me.

Thanks for reading.

Spinner Daily Blogging, Hellion 2009, Hellion Book 2, Lanternfly, LOST, procrastination, work

May’s usually a transitional month for me. Aside from the obvious seasonal changes, its usually when I leave wherever I’ve been living over the course of the school year for New York, or a new place. This summer, like last, I’ve opted to stay in Vermont, so I’ve been spending the last three days or so packing up my old place and moving into my new one.

The housing situation at my school is sort of weird. We’ve got the usual dorms, and even the more higher-end on campus “suites.” Then we have Spinner Place (which nearly made me fall over when I heard the name, since that’s been my online handle since I was 11), which is two miles from campus and on the other side of a river. These are fairly high end, with a kitchenette, and four private rooms.  Crossed with the low rent and the fact that Burlington is an extremely beautiful place in the summer–it’s pretty much win-win.

The other day, I moved into the third room I’ve lived at in Spinner, this time with my good friend Will Ryan, a fellow writer (he writes cyberpunk–and the only way to describe it is to beat yourself into a coma with binary code). When we’re rounded out in the fall with my two other good friends, we’re gonna have quite the living arrangement. There’s something to be said about four nerdtastic, creative, metal-listening, game-consol playing psychopaths in the same room. Let the madness ensue.

Broke out my bike today for the first time in about ten months. I’m really intent on getting into shape this summer, and I think the only way I’ll do that is by biking as much as I can. Its a two mile trek from Spinner to my Starbucks, so I can easily see myself managing that on every non-rainy day I can.

I’m really hoping I can get back into Lanternfly soon. Some of the edits and stuff has me pretty psyched ^_^

Thanks for reading!

Spinner Daily Blogging, Hellion 2009, Burlington, Personal, summer

I’ve been thinking now and again about how much I use this blog and how useless it is. I mean, I’m not a published writer, and no one really ought to care about what I have to say. Hell, I don’t even have any experience in the industry aside from advice I’ve received from various professors over the last few years. By that logic, this blog shouldn’t exist, and I shouldn’t be trying to promote myself. People don’t care about books until they’re done, and I highly, highly doubt the world needs to know about the growing pains I have with my writing.

Prior to this, I spent about six years around with a LiveJournal which was pretty much a wild emo-fest covering day-to-day events from 2003 onwards. Its sort of horrifying to look back on now–2,500 entries or so of raw emotional defecation. I still use it now and again–mostly to publish really personal things for my closest friends. That, nonetheless, is my introduction to the world of “blogging.” I really shouldn’t be that uptight about posting useless shit. After all, that’s what my twitter is for, even if I did spend an entire day once mocking the people who used it for useless crap like the fact they were “drinking coke, lol.”

There are just days where I go through these existential bursts of “what’s the point?” Fortunately the amount of these moments that concern my writing are less and less as of late. I wonder how long THAT will last. I’ve been trying not to remind myself I’ve got the second draft of a novel to slog through by August. The fact this is the first second draft I’ve done aside (at least, the first second draft of anything over 20 pages), I’ve got a bit more to write before I actually start the process of going through and taking stuff away and fiddling. Oh, and then theres the research. There’s a lot of stuff I want to look up on steam engines, flower arrangements, mopeds, law, the feudal system, the history of–ye gads. Yeah. I think I proved my own point. There’s a lot of stuff to do.

I think the point here is that I want to start doing more with this blog than just ranting about how the writing’s coming. I’ll see what I can do about that.

In other news, I’ve been working on two site-related projects–one, the final design integration of this blog into the Spinwork layout, and… *gasp* the forums. I’m still struggling over whether or not I want forums on Spinwork. I always thought I’d wait until after I got some short stories up. I may still–but it’ll be good to have something waiting for when that actually happens. I mean, if this blog is bloody pointless, then forums would be like trying to burn ashes.

I’ll see what I can do about actually interesting content in the interim.

Thanks for reading!

Spinner Daily Blogging, Hellion, IS 2009, Site-related 2009, Bitching, forum, IS2009, moaning, Spinwork

I’m sort of internally screaming in anguish that I’ve done next to no writing on anything since I’ve been in NY. I don’t know–maybe it’s distraction, or maybe its burn-out. There isn’t much exhaustion, or a lack of inspiration, really. A lot of my efforts have been going toward Lanternfly and building up to write the new scenes for the second draft. After that, I can really begin fiddling with it. But for some reason, I’m stuck in the mud. Ah well. As Erik would say, deep breaths.

For the moment I’ve refocused myself on Unwound, a short story I wrote last September and posted on IF (only visible if you have an account there). I’m really not impressed with the story at the moment. The end is massively cheesy, and suffers heavily from the unfocused emotional power-drive I was on when I wrote the damn thing. It’s the narrator that’s really getting me–and his voice. Its rare for me to reread something of mine and feel like I didn’t write it. Something about his tone, and the way he tells his story is so foreign from anything I’ve ever thought about or wrote.

I’m thinking of rewriting part of the story from a point and sending it in a different direction and focusing on the relationship between the man and the doctor, rather than his family. I just gotta put myself back where I was last September–and find the guy’s voice again. I’m really intent to see how this works out.

Thanks for reading.

Spinner Daily Blogging, Hellion, Short Works 2008, 2009, Editing, revisiting, Unwound

Lately I’ve found myself being distracted by a bunch of fresh ideas that have nothing to do with Lanternfly. I guess that’s good–a fresh story, a fresh perspective, something different. Yet I can’t help the feeling that by pursuing them I’m engaging in some maritial affair. On the one hand, it means I’ve finally settled on Lanternfly as my project. On the other, some of these ideas are kind of good. There’s one I’m actually kicking around on the back burner that I might do a bit of work on in my spare time–the concept of spare time being relative beneath the concept of impending 30 weekly hours of latte-fest.

This new idea, though, is a lot more microcosmic in comparison to my other work. What I find interesting about it is that it hinges on observation, yet doesn’t make the narrator an irrelevant character. I don’t think I can elaborate any more than that, the story still being in its infancy and all. At the moment, I’m calling the story Leophim. I’ve got a little bit written. We’ll see what happens with that.

In other news, all I’m really trying to do is get back onboard draft two of Lanternfly. That I may be enmeshed in this part of the process for a year or more isn’t all that helpful. Apparently, the worst of this is over and I’ll actually enjoy this. Then again, I do have a lot of ground-up rewriting on the beginning and ending, at least three characters I still only partially understand, and about 30-40,000 words to cut. Uguu.

At least I’m going home tomorrow! Weeee~. ^_^

Thanks for reading.

Spinner Daily Blogging, Hellion, Leophim 2009, draft 2, Lanternfly, Leophim, summer, work