Spinwork Blog

Since I finished the original first draft of Shadower in early 2007, I began referring to myself as a semi-professional aspiring author–being that I wasn’t professional, but treated myself like one, and that I wasn’t an author yet because I hadn’t published. I suppose I regard the notion of authorship with a hightened sense of sanctity. After all, its what I’ve chosen to do, and my perception of writers–especially good ones–has always been one worthy of respect.

With about two weeks to go until I officially dive into Lanternfly for my independent study, I can’t help but feel a subtle hemorrhage of terror. I’ve always written on my own time, and my own terms. Four years of trial and error have developed a hackneyed process of writing, the fruits of which I’ve only just begun to reap with projects like Endoflux and the late Avondalius project. Still, I can’t help but feel overwhelming unprepared. I’ve taken on big tasks before, but none like this.

There came several points in my writing where I decided to take a step forward. The first, obviously, when I finished the very poorly written first draft of Hellion, I realized I wanted to write for a living. Then, when I finished Salamander (finished being a very loose word), I noted the role planning played. And then, at the end of Shadower, I began making note of stylistic planning and experimentation with themes. Even four years from my “choice,” I’m still technically in my literary infancy. I’ve written three books, two of which no one has laid eyes upon in their entirety (Shadower and Salamander have both been read–but Hellion was never shown to anyone).

Anyone who asks about what I’ve written and gets the “three books” response automatically assumes I’m published. Nope. So why do I call them books and not manuscripts? I suppose I’m odd like that. It gives a level of tangibility to this “process” I’ve been teaching myself over the past several years (God, it really has been years), and allows me to feel like I’m actually building upon something, which I am. There came a point where I stopped viewing writing as a road to getting people to actually read my abstractly conceived, rust-toned, idealistic crap and started viewing it as a perpetual learning process. That’s why I took on the independent study, and exactly the reason why I shouldn’t be shaking in my boots about the whole thing.

After all, I do want to do this for a living. Right? Right.

I figured that one day, I’d be writing on a deadline. Starting in February of this past year, I began giving myself quotas to fill day by day: 5 pages a day, 25 pages a week, 100 pages a month, weekends for outlining, planning and evaluating the week’s material–rinse, repeat. Even in the best of circumstances–no mental baggage, emotional stability, and a low stress level–the process still only works 80% of times. In fact, my writing days fluctuated so massively that I wound up meeting my quota in 7 days instead of 5–losing weekends and spending 8-9 hours on my 5 daily pages instead of 5-7, like I’m used to. Not that I endure any great angst at it taking longer to fill my quota, but its just not something I feel I can do given my little time with work and other classes. Realistically, I want to be able to write a first draft in 4-6 months, an average first draft being 300-400 pages, A4/8×11, single spaced. Even more so, I realize that some of my stuff is going to require a year or so of development before actual writing (Endoflux and one of my PIWIBAWA’s [Project In Which I Will Not Breath A Word About] coming readily to mind). Minus research, the very IDEA for Lanternfly took a year of incubation. Same with Endoflux. Same with Shadower.

So what I’m going through isn’t all that different than that Calvin and Hobbes strip where Calvin is assigned to write a story, and while procrastinating, says to Hobbes, “You can’t turn on creativity like a faucet. You have to be in the right mood.” Of course, there is no “right mood” if you want to make money doing this, and there comes a point where you have to be hard on yourself. Every time I’ve sat down at my computer over the past few days, I’ve procrastinated–dicking off online, or working on a new design for SWS, or talking to people, or writing blog entries (!)–the list goes on. Its not that I don’t have ideas or motivation. Its just that I can’t seem to FIND them.

Thing is creativity has always come naturally to me. Its pounding it into a logical, non-abstract process that is what I find the most difficult and what I have trouble gearing up for. A good example of this is recent, when I discovered that my characters are best built through the “feeling” they give me in my mind. I’d had a character stigma for a long time, with my characters giving off this really manufactured vibe–the sort that makes me dump projects and wanting to evicerate myself with sheets of paper. Its a process I want to apply to my meager character notes on TLF, but haven’t been avoiding in practice.

I think part of the reason why I’m writing this entry in the first place is to help me get my ass into gear for the project. After all, I do want to do it, I do have an idea, a working outline, and a general idea of how the book is going to play out. What I need to do in order to prepare myself for this unknown concept of working on a deadline is get a loose roadmap together, an interpretive concept of all of my characters–or something to go off of at least, and actually freaking edit those scenes I have to in order to make the goddamn thing make sense.

So enough moaning from me. I’ve got two weeks, and I’ve gotta make the best of it =)

Spinner Daily Blogging, Independent Study

It’s kind of funny to read over all my bitchings from earlier in the semester about how I have no time to write, and how much that sucked. Had only I known what was to come. Had only I known.

There’s a certain poetry about that hopeless period from October til’ Thanksgiving where it feels like time hasn’t moved an inch since school started, only to come back from Thanksgiving break and realizing you’re about to be assraped by all the work you should have been doing all semester in the two weeks you have left. Personally, my situation continues to get more and more horrifying with each passing hour and glance at my to-do list.

Fortunately, there’s a light at the end of the tunnel. In late October, I spoke to my advisor about the possibility of writing a novel as an independent study next semester. After a lot of work, including finding an absolutely amazing person to shepherd me, my proposal was approved and I am set to write, and hopefully finish Lanternfly next semester. What I’m hoping this will accomplish is actually give me the time to get a draft of this stupid book out that I’ve been beating myself up over now for over ten months. Lord only knows, the word “finish” and “book” have not been used in the same sentence in my mind since 2006.

Really, given all the teaching and methodology I’ve submitted myself to over the past four years, I’m bound to be at least mildly successful. All I really need to do is 25 pages a week and complete other assignments my advisor gives me. Yeah, there is other college work here, too, but I’m fairly confident I can pull all this off. Just watch in February I’ll be bitching about how I don’t want to write any more, and my new ambitions to become an astronaut. Yeah, fuck.

What this means unfortunately, is that come Christmas break, I’m going to have to set aside all my other projects (redoing this site, and that cute lil’ love story I was working on for IF) to focus on prepping my outlines for January. I think for the first time, I’m not feeling daunted–although that’ll probably change when I go over the material I already have written.

I’m going to try keeping weekly blogs over the course of the project, but we’ll see how that goes. After all, I’ll be working and what-not. I’ll see what happens in January.

Spinner Daily Blogging, Hellion, Independent Study